Vanessa Van Edwards, a best-selling author and head of the Science of People lab in Austin, Texas, addresses what she calls an “connection crisis” in America. She argues that social interaction has declined, with the share of U.S. adults reporting no close friends rising from 3% in 1990 to 12% in 2023. In her new book, Conversation: How to Connect with Anyone and Make Every Interaction Count, Edwards provides strategies to improve interpersonal skills, emphasizing that confidence comes from acting despite discomfort.
The Three Levels of Conversation
Edwards structures her approach around three progressive levels of conversation. At Level 1, she advises replacing small talk with curiosity-driven questions, such as asking what people enjoy doing rather than what they do for work. She suggests using storytelling instead of facts and incorporating what she terms “conversational confetti”—light, engaging prompts like, “Can I tell you something really weird?”
To enhance likability, Edwards recommends moments to say, “Tell me more,” and to listen actively by tilting the head slightly to expose neck and ear. For sounding knowledgeable, she suggests asking others, “What have you always wanted to learn?” These techniques aim to shift conversations from transactional exchanges to meaningful interactions.
Level 2 focuses on connecting deeply by sharing and supporting each other’s aspirations. Edwards cautions against dismissing someone’s goals and instead encourages curiosity: asking, “Who will this dream help?” She argues that dreams give life meaning, setting the stage for Level 3.
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At Level 3, Edwards seeks to cultivate relationships built on mutual insight rather than mere shared interests. She writes that when done well, this level creates “the rarest of relationships” characterized by deeper understanding and emotional resonance.
From Surface to Substance
In an interview, Edwards reflected on her own conversational habits. She admitted that even when trying, her past interactions felt superficial—focused on routine updates like family and work. “How’s the family? How are the kids?” she described as fact-finding rather than connecting, leaving her drained and less motivated to socialize. She attributes this exhaustion to the effort of trying to appear impressive rather than being present.
Edwards recounted a significant turning point in her career when nerves cost her a major opportunity. She was attempting to perform rather than engage authentically. Now, while teaching at institutions like Google and Harvard, she uses a simple question to reframe conversations: “How exhausting is it to make small talk?” The answer, she notes, is often immediate. “Because you’re trying to be impressive,” she explains.
The shift occurs when conversations prioritize storytelling over facts. Edwards illustrates this with an anecdote about her husband’s friend’s father, who responded to a casual question with a list of mundane tasks—“quarterly taxes” and “dinner preparations.” She emphasizes that facts end conversations, while stories open doors, urging people to lead with narratives that invite further dialogue.
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The interview continued with Edwards addressing the role of self-perception in relationship formation. She explained that individuals who view themselves as authors of their own lives tend to build stronger connections. One photographer who received a unit from her research noted that understanding one’s narrative helped them approach conversations with greater confidence. Another haematologist who treats patients in the region found that shifting from performance to presence improved their professional relationships significantly.
Edwards emphasized that the time investment required for meaningful friendships cannot be rushed. Research indicates approximately fifty hours are needed to transition from acquaintance to casual friend, while over two hundred hours are typically required for a close bond. She acknowledged the challenge this poses in modern life, suggesting that quality interactions matter more than quantity when time is limited.
Recognizing Self-Narrative Patterns
Edwards identified five distinct self-narratives people use to interpret their experiences. The first four, The Ambitious Hero, The Contented Pragmatist, The Selfless Helper, and The Creative Disruptor, generally promote positive connections. The fifth, dubbed “The Unlucky Struggler,” tends to create barriers. A writer who shaved their head in 2023 described how adopting an Unlucky Struggler mindset can lead to missed opportunities and isolation.
She estimated that between fifteen and twenty percent of people operate from the Unlucky Struggler narrative, though distribution varies widely across different environments. When a hiring manager identifies as a Selfless Helper, they may inadvertently surround themselves with individuals who struggle to see their own agency. Edwards observed that friend groups often form around shared narratives, with people gravitating toward those who validate their worldview.
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The contrast becomes particularly challenging when an Unlucky Struggler encounters someone embodying the Ambitious Hero narrative. Rather than inspiring growth, the contrast can trigger resentment. Edwards noted that misery does indeed seek company, making it difficult for positive narratives to take root in certain social circles.
Supporting Others Without Enabling
When asked about helping someone trapped in the Unlucky Struggler narrative, Edwards drew a clear distinction between persuasion and empowerment. She explained that one cannot convince such individuals that they’re fortunate, but one can help them recognize their authorship over their internal experience. A patient who received mentorship through her program described how shifting focus to controllable internal factors transformed their outlook.
Edwards acknowledged that her natural inclination is to be aggressively helpful, sometimes to a fault. She described allowing herself to “bully” people toward their goals, accepting that failure remains possible. This approach, she argued, differs from trying to fix others; instead, it empowers them to take ownership of their journey while providing energetic support along the way.
